gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
