Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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