he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
