did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
