Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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