You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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