just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
