I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
