So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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