chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
