apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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