It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
