so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
