if i can run in heels then i can drive
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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