My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This baby is an asshole
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
