do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
