He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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