ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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