If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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