The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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