I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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