There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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