I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
