New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
