too bad you live with your parents still
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
