he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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