His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
