I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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