I just threw up on my dentist
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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