I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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