he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
