I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize