i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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