I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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