ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
