My first STD was from a foam party
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
