Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize