New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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