3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
