You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
