the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize