My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Acid is not a monday night drug
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
