Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
