I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
