I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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