I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
