I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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