I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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