Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
