tequila makes me forget i have legs
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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