this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
