he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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