I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
