Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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