I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
