Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
