I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize