Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
