Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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