Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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